Hi my name is Humayara Rahman. I identify as a Santa Muerte devotee but I’ve always been an occultist, I was born into magic as far as I could remember. Growing up with psychic abilities and paranormal experiences all throughout childhood and adulthood in a traditional devout Muslim Asian household was very very confusing. Of course there was a question of mental health concern and other health related issue as well as family dynamic issues, but for the sake of this article let’s stick to the part of jumping from one bandwagon in the occult to another one and what was my reasoning behind it all?
Up until about age 15 I had essentially just pranced around, reading books on Wicca, Paganism and Druidism with other alternative paths but never fully committing to anything other than identifying as a New Age hippie. My priority then was to be free, be loving, kind generous but also want… peace, world peace. And for a while even I aligned politically with the stance of those who were New Agers about wanting world equality, etc.
I was on a level of naivete where I truly believed that if you just love and light everything then there would be so much happiness and that’s all it took. But internally I needed to heal from my childhood traumas, my mommy and daddy issues, as well as figure out things with my sexuality, tradition, culture, and everything you could imagine under the sun. I needed a complete system, I needed something that worked for me, that made me happy and gave me peace, but also gave me a sense of a perfect reality. A utopia, I wanted a utopia more than anything in this whole wide world.
Back then I just wanted all suffering to end for people. I went through so much suffering and abuse in life and like any anyone else I superimposed my views of what is and isn’t suffering, and how the world should be according to me. It was like there was no genuine understanding of the other perspective or other life outside of my own sheltered view and life as an American citizen living in the First World. I didn’t know how privileged I was until a series of wake up calls started to happen.
So around age 21 I had some serious life issues but I ended up making some friends online who officially introduced me to the occult community and everything in it. I was able to understand when introduced to the ideology of Satanism and its principles. As a New Ager changing towards the ideology of Satanism was phenomenal at first because I was able to get freedom with my own personal power, give myself the permission to be angry at my family, my parents and even at society for failing me to meet my standards of what life should be. Tragic how somehow everything didn’t revolve around me. I was unaware that my mommy and daddy issues with narcissism were showing full and center of attention.
It was liberating to feel the anger I felt I wasn’t “allowed” to feel. A level of sexual liberation came with that too and was very hedonistic in nature as well. It was all fun and games, feeding the ego until it wasn’t. What do I mean? Within Satanism I came to the chapter of working with the Goetia spirits and a few from other pantheons as a fringe sort of system if anything. These spirits when I started to do my first invocations and communication (tried to) WITHOUT shadow work. BOY OH BOY I was in a world of pain that was to come VERY soon. They took t2-3 years (2015-2018) breaking my ego as well as my privileged status.
I thought I could control spirits back then, and lol and behold that was where that ego got me. I was put through the ringer, from surviving car accidents waking up in hospital beds, as well as going through one abusive situation after another. There WAS no break. Of course I asked other Satanists for help every time something went wrong, only forced to realize that they too were in the same situations or EVEN WORSE because it was the blind leading the blind. It was also a validation contest as well as a witch hunt if you had a different opinion or stance between power abusers and money grabbers . That’s occult politics for ya, honey!
I was JUST starting to see it for the first time even though it always existed. Think it’s not about the money, power or “cult leader status”? Think again! Looking for genuine answers only got me enemies instead, and also questioning the authorities within the occult communities or I should say “very well known people” who are put in a pulpits of sorts. Eventually when I realized that the medical bills were too high of a pile, with no answers but a blind and vicious crowd, and all the bridges burned with all my ego feeding “friends as well as confidents.”
It was time to really look for answers within myself using psychology, geopolitics, history, meditation, dopamine detox, isolation, as well as a year of NO OCCULT and NO MAGICK. Not even protection. I couldn’t be found anywhere on the internet, or phone calls, nothing. I didn’t realize the spirits made me go face myself instead of running like I always do with my virtue signaling. 2019 was the year I had truly woken up , maybe not in all totality but in most things. I had to realize that everything I did was to feed my ego and inflate it completely without a DAMN.
I had a GOD COMPLEX. I wanted to be the female JESUS of color, here to save the world. I wanted to play GOD. Because I was ANGRY. Angry at the world. Blamed everyone but myself. I took ZERO accountability. But it was the year I had to realize all this. The truth and the magnanimous and absolute truth is : We can’t always control our lives, every second of it to the point we make a monster of ourselves and become an evil dictator. The saying LIVE and LET LIVE didn’t sink in fully until the shadow work with affirmation really kicked in and my brain completely (or mostly) rewired by the end of 2019 entering 2020. And even then, the lockdown worldwide only further pushed to prolong this.
As much as I wanted to end this chapter I jumped into Modern/Esoteric Hindu-Buddhism. The Buddhist and Hindu spirits fed my ego at first, with a “holier than thou” attitude with the whole vegetarianism and “I’m gonna save the world with enlightenment you people” etc. Yes, that’s right. The GOD COMPLEX WAS BACK AGAIN! Eventually the spirits of those pantheons said “even if you are allergic to 80% of fruits and veggies, you still have to stick to the pact with us if you want to work with us, as it’s the cost of saving the world and breaking out of the reincarnation cycle.” And when I asked the Buddhist and Hindu spirits why tell me this when I am BORN allergic to these and I might die from the diet alone before I could even save the world to play “hero” of a modern Vedic epic? Like what Gilgamesh BS is this?
I have a good heart and an honest genuine heart, yet I’m born with this type of specific allergies? But I have to stick to this pact even though I was DYING? And risking my life with these allergies? They had NO ANSWER. For the first time in a long time, I’ve never been THIS angry. Here I thought I was gonna be a hero, save the world, stay powerful and have it all. I was gonna be the fun, sexy, controversial, BUDDHA -JESUS -LILITH- THINGY-MAGIGY. *World shattered to a million pieces.
After having the realization of falling back and feeding the God complex within myself I kept coming to the realization that Death is the greatest equalizer as well as the initiator in all. 2021 was the year I had an experience. I was working for a certain employer, 2 mananers, a husband and a wife. The wife had me cleanse the home and their office and during the cleansing I saw the work behind a closet of Saint Martha being used to control and make suffer the husband and everyone else in the family and me, by the WIFE. In a clever act of cleansing the areas and fake stories of how everything needs to be taken out and broken at the crossroads down the block I let the husband smash the works at the crossroads.
I knew I might actually die trying to save this abused man from the black magick his wife was doing for money and control. I had fear, but I knew I had to try something. I knew I didn’t have any resources or power of my own enough or the knowledge. But the husband was a raging alcoholic, and the kids traumatized. The wife was a cheater with agendas. It was a sad and sticky situation. I had to act like a naive nun who’s only here in the house to pray and do cleansings (limpias) in order to save him without growing emotionally attached to him or him to me (he did unfortunately). But he realized the MOMENT he smashed the works, he took the BIGGEST BREATH. He cried even as a MACHO MAN. Like something released him.
Instantly the wife understood that I have to be made an enemy because he was about to be a new man and file for divorce. HE WAS BITTER and he wanted to be SOBER. Within that day, I felt I couldn’t get up from bed. MY PET BIRD DIED within the next 72 hours. I couldn’t even grieve but I knew I needed HELP but had NOBODY. NO SPIRITS.
Then it happened. SANTA MUERTE came to my dream. And she was straightforward. I had just enough funds to get to my nearest botanica but I had to clock into work SOON. I was afraid of what was going to happen soon. Because the wife understood that the kids and the husband respected me and was a chance in her mind that she’d have me replaced. After getting through the most frightening 8 hour shift I resigned with a lie that my stepfather was on his death bed therefore I’m moving there with no notice.
The family was sad but the wife was relieved. I got to safely get home and put up my altar for Santa Muerte. She showed me how to leave that situation, saved my hide gracefully as possible with future employment. (Yes, they still want me back). Even now I hope the best for the family and that someday the husband will be strong enough to leave the abuse . Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be damned to try again with extra backbone and cojones. But for now, all I can say is when Santa Muerte came into my life, it was like I found true love. The only love I’ll ever need…
Someday I’ll tell you my other adventures with Madrina.